Speaking up with confidence no matter what

Have you ever tried to slither into a pair of jeans? Wrestling with getting a metal zipper to close at my mid-line, while down on the floor, is how I used up about fifteen minutes of my day this morning. Make that twenty-five when all was said and done. Somehow I managed to button the button closure at the top of the zipper. That resulted in an unbecoming protrusion out the opening between the top button and the bottom of the zipper. Getting the zipper to zip up was another story. I’d have to either pull out a tunic top from my closet or wear a long coat to hide my belly. With Indian summer upon us in the Northeast, donning a tunic or long coat wasn’t an option.

Perhaps more creativity is my ticket. So, once again I knelt down and splayed myself face up on the floor. After first wiggling this way and that way, I began lifting my buttocks up and down and then from side to side and then I began flinging my legs straight up in the air. Surely my acrobatic antics would help stretch my NYDJ (Not Your Daughter’s Jeans).

What does this have to do with speaking up for yourself? Let me put it this way.
I don’t know about you but my natural reaction to the challenge of zipping a zipper on a pair of jeans after wearing cropped pants, various styles of shorts, and skirts all summer is one of self-sabotage. Good gracious, I’m so fat; I need to exercise more; why did I have those cookies yesterday or that bowl of ice cream last night; Look at this muffin top; I’m such a sloth, and so on.

But, there is another way. In God’s eyes we are fearfully and wonderfully made and therefore made perfect in Him. It’s good to access our lifestyle and decide if we need to make changes to improve our health. But, if we don’t allow God’s hand in our lives and accept ourselves as His beloved child, the light we reflect, along with our voice, will be dim. You may not set out to make an impact, but people do pay attention and they watch to see if you are who you say you are. Whether we are a daughter, a sister, a friend, a mother, a cousin, a wife, a step-sibling or step-mother, we have an opportunity to brighten another’s day. If we are picking ourselves apart, we lose our influence.

It turns out that laughter was my ticket to getting my zipper zipped. While lying there in the middle of my floor struggling to get that zipper up, my only view was the stark white ceiling. There I was sprawled out like a limp lobster with my tentacles flailing in the attempt to stretch my NYDJ. I wanted every bit of my money’s worth of that 4% spandex I’d read on the label. As I lie there gazing at the ceiling, the absurdity of it all struck me as hilarious and the next thing I knew…I had the giggles. I started laughing unashamedly at my predicament. After the work-out of my abdominal muscles and my non-eloquent cackling subsided, I was breathless. Nevertheless, I tried one last time to pull my zipper up. To my astonishment, success!

I will be doing some accessing of my lifestyle so that the next time I try slipping into my NYDJ, I won’t have to roll around the floor again. In the meantime, I know I can walk out my front door today and speak up with full confidence that, in my weakness, I am made strong! That in God’s eye’s I am acceptable and beautiful just as I am. And, you are too!

Sunflowers influence in speaking up

Have you ever had a defining moment that you didn’t realize you had until later? Yesterday, that was my experience.

While driving to Western New Jersey and the picturesque farmlands of Sussex County to visit a Sunflower Maze, I was thinking about the invitation I’d just received while talking on my hands free cell phone. A longtime girlfriend I’d not seen since returning from vacation three weeks prior, invited me to join her and two other special girlfriends for a movie I’d wanted to see, The Help.

I told her that after going to the Sunflower Maze in Augusta, I was thinking of contacting a male friend who just lived down the road from the maze. But, after walking through the Sunflower Maze and absorbing the warmth and happiness that sunflowers convey, I decided to jump back into my Jeep, Madame Merlot II, and high tale it back to the suburbs and meet my girlfriends for the movie.

You may be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal?” However, for me it was freeing to alter my plan on a dime. It would have been nice to see my male friend, but he may not have been home, or available. I choose to do what I really wanted to do rather than do what I thought I ought. It made no difference to my male friend. At that point he didn’t even know I was in the vicinity. The good news is that I hadn’t called him yet to see if he was around for me to stop by for a visit.

Speaking up for yourself comes in all variations of our relationships. It’s my belief that you know in your heart how you want to handle a matter. Have the courage to speak up and change your life by changing your decision making process to one of honoring your core value.

I’ve read various meanings for the sunflower including loyalty and longevity. Samantha Green, of Pro Flowers writes in her article, History and Meaning of Sunflowers, “They are unique in their ability to provide energy in the form of nourishment and vibrance, an attribute which mirrors the sun and the energy provided by its heat and light”.

Yesterday, the Son shine showering down upon the sunflowers definitely influenced me. I made it in time to meet my friends. Though, The Help, was sold out we got into One Day with Ann Hathaway. We’ll see The Help another day. Over all, I was thankful that the sunflowers influence showed me I must have loyalty…even to myself.

Setbacks Pave the Way for Comebacks

June 2, I gave a presentation, “Setbacks Pave the Way for Comebacks” at the Montvale Library, Montvale, New Jersey. A few attendees asked for the Eight Principles I talked about for overcoming a setback, so I am sharing them with all of you on my blog.

No one is immune to the storms of life that appear suddenly in our lives and threaten to topple us. Setbacks come in all forms and typically cause major stress. These might include the loss of a job or a career, illness or chronic pain and/or a disease that creates cause for altering our life style, the broken promises of a spouse leading to divorce, the death of a loved one or child, or even the realization that we can no longer deny a reality in our lives. All of these scenarios, and a host of other calamities, can cause a setback in our lives of great magnitude and from which some people never recover.

But, I know that setbacks can pave the way for comebacks and that when you come back, you come back stronger. I know this because of my own setbacks and of the victory I embrace today from applying the eight principles you will find at the end of this blog entry.

In 1979, I was a victim of a violent crime. A hooded intruder entered my home, and I was blindfolded and raped at knifepoint while my two-year-old daughter was napping in the next room. My attacker was never caught.

So devastating was the pain and horror of it all that I questioned my faith and my purpose in life. How could a God that I loved and served with all my heart allow such an atrocity and physical assault to one of his followers? All these years later, I still suffer the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.

When I was attacked I had already been diagnosed with a genetic, life threatening, potentially debilitating, and chronic kidney disease, PKD (polycystic kidney disease). This is a disease that has affected several family members as well. Two years after my attack, I learned that I had another genetic and life-threatening, chronic disease. This time, a heart muscle disease called HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy). Neither have a cure.

And now, thirty-two years later, my kidney function has decreased to where I am being evaluated for a kidney transplant or dialysis when the time comes, and my heart muscle disease has increased. Though my physical assault and chronic diseases greatly affect my life and life style, they do not define me. And, it’s through applying these Eight Principles that I have come back stronger…and am better.

It is my hope that these Eight Principles will help sustain you in whatever setback you face, or may face in the future so that you will soon also believe that setbacks can pave the way for comebacks...and when you come back, you come back stronger.


Eight Principles for overcoming a setback:

1. Commitment to your future – life goes on. The sun will come up tomorrow. Commit to overcome your setback in the best way you can for you, for your situation.

2. Opportunity – this is an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself. Setbacks can be a touchstone.

3. Moment by moment – sometimes it’s all you can do to just do the next thing. Routine can help us get through the dark places.

4. Explore your options – ask questions of yourself and how you want to live going forward.

5. Basics – have to look at the facts; this is where I am, this is where I want to be.

6. Advocate – Be your own advocate. There may be supporting people but you ultimately, with divine guidance, have to rescue yourself.

7. Celebrate – each and every hurdle you jump and how far you’ve come… even if it’s only since yesterday!

8. Keep to your commitment to grow, change, evolve, transform, blossom, shine, excel, be, and thrive, no matter how long it takes. And, then, one day you wake up and realize you have overcome your setback and you are stronger!

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Celebrating Mother's Day on the Appalachian Trail

When I was growing up, my family celebrated Mother’s Day with a family reunion held in Three River’s, California at a Memorial Hall. As the years went by we moved the reunion to Mooney Grove Park in Visalia, my home town, and celebrated Mother’s Day with a picnic family reunion. Relatives came from north and south for our memorable gatherings. Those Mother’s Days were some of the best days of my life as a flock of us cousins played and ran around whooping it up while the adults talked and talked the day away.

Now, all these years later, life is very different. I live in the Northeast and my three daughters and three grandsons are all in Montana. So, when Mother’s Day comes, I’m always a bit melancholy.

But, this year, I did a new thing. This morning, while getting ready for church, I heard a woman, Louise, on TV talking about being celebrated less and celebrating more. In other words, the less we are celebrated and the more we celebrate, the better off we are. That philosophy stayed with me all morning and after church, I determined to “celebrate” the rest of the day by getting outdoors.

What I did to “celebrate” Mother’s Day was to go for a walk in the woods. Since I cope with some serious health issues, I wasn't sure first that I even should be out hiking, and second, that I could even make it to the end of the stretch I was embarking on. I could see it on the eveing news..."local woman recused on Mother's Day from the AT". Perhaps it's times like this where will and spirit collide and create feminine determination that surpasses all speculation and fear. Because, I just really wanted to try and see if I could do it.

Thus, I set out on a stretch of the Appalachian Trail above Greenwood Lake, New York.

It was a beautiful day of serenity and peace as I meditated on being a mother, missing my own mother, and valuing my children. Thank you, "Louise", for helping me set my Mother’s Day priorities so that I could go out and learn and grow and celebrate to the hilt!

I want to hear from you and how you celebrated Mother’s Day. Be the first to leave your comments below.

Sweet Escape (mother daughter bonding)

New Column post Top Blonde...on the www.northjersey.com/community/family/top_blonde/120839914_Sweet_Escape.htmln!

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Speaking up in sensitive situations

I remember how passive I used to be. Never would I speak up for myself even if not speaking up was at my own expense. My happiness or peace would be at stake yet I was unable to voice discomfort or unease of any kind.

Silly, isn’t it? But, not silly for people who struggle or have struggled to realize their worth. Nor, for people who think being nice means never speaking up for themselves.

Once I realized my value was not contingent on external forces or that my confidence wasn’t based on receiving or not receiving affirmation from others, my life changed. Courage replaced fear, and a healthy self-concept replaced the fragile and fleeting self-image I’d carried for many years.

Thus, when I was recently seated in a window seat on a cross country flight and a fellow passenger two seats away was snoring loudly, it didn’t take me any time at all to signal to the steward.

“Excuse me, but may I change seats?” I politely asked the flight attendant when he came close to my seat.

“Yes, you may take any seat that is available,” he replied with a smile.

Relieved, I quickly grabbed my belongings and excused myself from my assigned seat. The man two seats over wasn’t just loudly snoring. He was in a full blown locomotive sounding snore. Other passengers began looking around like I had done to locate the source of the sound. The lady that was originally seated to my right and next to the snoring man had already moved to another seat. I knew there was no conceivable way I could deal with the man’s intolerable snore for the three hour flight to my connecting flight.

In the past, I would never have bothered the flight attendant nor had the courage, or nerve, to verbalize a request. Rather, I would have suffered silently, stewing and steaming and enduring an unbearable situation.

I’ve learned that speaking up for myself doesn’t mean that I insist or demand my own way. It means that I can become my own advocate and seek ways of making decisions that illustrate to others I am a woman who understands my value and am a good steward of my own spirit (essence).

Speaking out isn’t always best; being mindful of our words

Melissa Leo’s spirited speech at last night’s 82nd Academy Awards that included the use of slang was a verbal faux pas of significant magnitude. As Whoopie Goldlberg alluded to while hosting The View this morning, things get said and just come out of the mouth when an actor is presented with The Oscar. She meant words like the unscrupulous word that rolled off Ms. Leo’s lips that ABC bleeped out because of the seven second delay.

As the winner of Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Fighter, Ms. Leo arrived looking every bit a star. Glamorous in a stunning eyelet dress with a high scalloped neckline that framed her face, her hair in a soft up do, and with understated make up, she walked down the red carpet exuding controlled exuberance.

But, using discourteous language to speak out and make a point can backfire as it did with Ms. Leo.

I feel that Ms. Leo’s lack of etiquette in her acceptance speech took something from me. I look for role models in society today. People who strive to be examples of decency and integrity and people who stand honorably are people that I admire. While it was a fleeting remark and one she has apologized for, which took humility, when I think of Ms. Leo now, I will be reminded of her moment when the eyes of millions of people were upon her and she allowed her speech to dim her golden star.

You may be thinking tinseltown isn't a place that breeds people who stand honorably. Maybe not, but I think if we look we will find people who do.

Be the first to leave your comments below. I always appreciate your feedback and hearing of your comments, your requests, and/or any concerns you might have.

Asking for what you need

Asking for what we need is part of speaking up for ourselves. Some people can do it with perfect poise. A request rolls off their lips and they get results faster than a shooting star dancing through the night sky. Yet, some of us have had a really hard time. Someone could be stepping on our toes and pain is shooting up our leg yet we can’t get the words out to ask them to take their foot off our toes. Our leg becomes numb, yet we still can’t ask for what we need. We end up on a gurney heading for surgery with a gangrenous leg because we were never able to say, “Excuse me, you’re hurting me. Would you please remove your foot”?

My scenario is far-fetched but it has a ring of truth. Even in the 21st century, there are those of us who fight the inner battle of asking for what we need that helps sets us on the path to wholeness.

Part of my personal struggle with speaking up stemmed from a lack of understanding. I never grasped the truth that as God’ chosen child of the universe, I had rights. That if someone was violating my rights to be treated with respect and dignity that I had a right, and even a responsibility, to honor my own personhood by speaking up for myself.

“Who do you think you are?” is what we ask ourselves if we attempt speaking up about an injustice or perhaps from a conviction. “Stop making waves”, is another line we may have listened to in childhood that rears its ugly head. And so, we squelch our voice and dutifully back down only to suffer later in life from a host of maladies.
But, we are not doomed. Once we understand our significance and that we have contributions that no one else can make, we can find our voice.

Speaking up for yourself can set your spirit free. Being set free in your spirit can enable you to speak up for yourself. Which comes first? It’s speculative, but what is true is that asking for what you need is right and just.

Be the first to share your thoughts at the end of this post on speaking up for yourself. They may appear in the book I am working on about speaking up for yourself.

Valentine's Day

This Valentine’s Day is truly a gift. Here in the Northeast we’ve been buried for weeks under a blanket of snow. Today, it’s already 51 degrees. While writing this blog there are mounds of snow piled nearly to the top of the street signs outside my window. I’ve not seen this much snow since the blizzard brigade we had in 1994! We may not see the grass again until April but this whisper of what’s to come has me visualizing daffodils dancing in the wind.

Still, it’s mid-February and it is Valentine’s Day, a day that’s set aside for expressing love with hearts and flowers, chocolates and candy, gifts and dinner… and the myriad of everyday ways we show our love and appreciation. Such as doing nice things for people and perhaps smiling at a passerby. It may bring them more joy than you know.

If you’re single you might wish the florist zipping down the street would be pulling up at your door to deliver flowers. You might feel left out of the romantic loop from hearing about what your friend’s boyfriend or husband did. Or, you could do what I did a few years ago. Celebrate life!

I gathered a group of girlfriends of varied ages and physicality for roller skating at our local rink (now demolished for new housing). My cohort, Marie, and I designed inexpensively bought painter’s hats with glitter and adopted quirky names for the evening. She was “Corky” and I was “Squiggly”. We had a blast! After we rolled around the rink a few times, sustained a few falls, and laughed our heads off, we went back to Marie’s for a night of decadent deserts. We still talk about our hilarious night!

This year, though low key, love with a hint of spring is in the air. One of the things I did was write an old-fashioned romantic letter that I included in a home-made (computer) card. I’ve also lit a candle with my favorite fragrance to enjoy and put on a CD. Alison Krauss was serenading me while I was frosting on a batch of “Grandma’s Sugar Cookies”.

Our whisper of spring has brought our afternoon temperature up to 58 degrees. Though I don’t see any daffodils dancing in the wind just yet, my heart is singing because the surprise and wonder of love, family, and friends, is all around!

Take a moment to write me… I’d love to hear how you are celebrating Valentine’s Day 2011!

Speaking up means weighing your words

People think that speaking up for yourself means saying everything that’s on your mind. Initially, you may feel better for having vented but as you walk away you never note the effect of your words. Your recipients facial expression my reflect surprised shock, or they may even be so stunned that they are left standing in utter silence with their head hanging down. You never touched them, but the wounding from your words lingers…and wears upon you both.

I know because I’ve been that person who has coughed up a barrage of what was on my mind erroneously believing that I was valiantly speaking up for myself.
“I’ll show them!” was my stance. Yet, my insecurity, immaturity, and impulsivity were glaring. What a fool I was. Thus, after years of stuffing emotions and not being heard, verbal eruptions became my norm.

Many years have passed since my days of verbal explosions. Through growing in my Christian walk, I now know that self-expression is closely tied to self-discipline and self-control (fruits of the spirit). Speaking up from a position of strength, and love, changes everything. Not only can you set boundaries for yourself in your own life, but you can set boundaries in your relationships. Consequently, you’re well thought out words have the potential for impact rather than just exhaling in a verbal blast that does no earthly good.

When you do need to speak up for yourself remember that the louder your voice, the less likely you will be heard. Using a soft toned voice shows respect and has greater potential for better reception.

Having the quiet strength to know when to speak up for yourself can elevate you in grace and beauty and free you from self-reproach.

The pain of parting; the joy of hello

Sitting in a window seat while flying at 4,000 feet in the air aboard a Boeing 737 on Alaska Airlines, I began pondering the events of the last three weeks of my life.

In the first week, I flew from my home on the East Coast to fly out to my hometown on the West Coast to meet my sister, Lezlie. It was time for us to tackle the final clearing out of our deceased mother’s belongings from the family home that is now on the market. When that project was completed, I flew to Montana for the next two weeks to visit my three daughters, Nicole, Lesa, and Aimee and two-year old grandson, Finn. We had the best of times! And then, came my departure day. We all had long faces as I packed up my things.

A lot of thoughts run through your mind when you’re sitting on a plane. You can read, think, or strike up a conversation with a seat mate. If you choose thinking, where do your thoughts land?

For now, my thoughts have landed on our tearful good-bye. I wasn’t ready to leave. I wasn’t ready to go back to my life minus the joy of being with my family and hearing the word, “Mom” as well as Finn’s version of “Grandma”. It was music to my ears. I hadn’t been ready to say good-bye to my mom when she passed away three years ago either. But, I had to adjust. And, now, I wasn’t yet quite ready to leave my girls and sweet Finn. Our time being together was so special. I just wanted it to go on and on...

“Mom, you need to move here”, Nicole had said. Lesa, Finn’s mommy loves when I come (I stay with her to make sure that Finn knows his Grandma), and Aimee too wishes I’d move to Montana. Secretly, I think they all want me to come so I can do their mending.

I don’t have a crystal ball to see into the future and if my address is going to change anytime soon. But, as I ponder the moments with my family in my window seat, you can be sure I’m doing some serious day dreaming about life under the Montana Sky.

Luckily, another trip is planned soon. The joy of our next "hellos", and seeing the smiling faces of my daughters and grandson welcoming me helps ease the pain of parting. With that thought, I sink back into my seat and relax for the remainder of my flight knowing that I don't need a crystal ball. God holds my future and I know that His plan will be the best one for us all.